Thursday, December 11, 2008

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

Often when I let myself go, when I allow myself to default to the lowest common demoniator in my life, when my discipline is at its lowest in all areas of life I get afraid. I become afraid of things that I should be scared of, like the future, or a tragedy, I even become afraid of myself-that I am dangerous to my own well-being.

Here's a better example. I'm at the end of my college career finally and the last 4 and a half years are coming to a close. If this wasn't enough, I'm getting married in 3 weeks. I just realized that the last few months have been the perfect storm where lack of motivation + high stakes for failure + no other options = a vegetable of a spirit. I don't enjoy things anymore, I don't delight in the things that I once did, and my fiance has noticed this in me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, I know what that feels like that this isn't it, the fact is I'm just shutting down day by day because I'm afraid of what will happen if I really put alot of effort into all the things I need to put effort into and I end up still failing. At least if I shut down I know I'm going to fail, this gives me a little bit of stability and control and I enjoy this. Until I realize how much of a failure I am for doing it this way and then I'm back to the beginning.

So what's the next step? Where do I go from here?

I don't know.

I do know this - I'm getting married in 3 weeks and everything is about to change.

Monday, March 17, 2008

StainStudio: On art, music, and academia

I recently discovered a wealth of customizing options on my electronic drumset, options that allow me to personalize my drumset down to the quarter of an inch in drum depth, head style, room ambience and tuning tension. I didn't have as much time as I would have liked to explore all the different options but I changed several and ended up with an even better sounding live drumset. I changed the name of the setting to StainStudio.

With the new settings I felt so at home behind my digi-skins. I could hear them better, they were richer, deeper, crisper, everything a live drummer wants from a kit. The band was tight that night, everyone was right on, no hitches, and all the experimenting we had done with midi keyboards, macs, Mackie monitors, stacked keys, and guitar tones were afterthoughts. The creativity flowed, the music moved and God was glorified through it all.

There was only one problem. Hanging over my head were 3 large papers, 2 huge exams and a partridge in a pear tree (a schedule full of meetings and rehearsals that stole time away from the necessary work on these projects). So when the art was over, when the creativity left the stage, I sat down at a computer and opened book after book written by men who see very little if not nothing creative, artistic or beautiful about the book of Ezekiel. I'm writing about all the systems men have discovered to explain the what, where, when, why and who of the Scriptures while my heart is longing for something beautiful.

I want the Words of God to be beautiful again, to sit in awe of them and never lose my wonder. To seek to understand after I spend twice as long marveling over them

To systemize only as a way to marvel at them more and never too much

To be smitten by them

To love them

To need them

To desire them...

Don't let me lose my wonder.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

McDonald's, a McGriddle and motion sickness

This morning I had the opportunity to do something outside of my ordinary daily routine. Instead of waking up at 9:30 and scrambling to make it by 10, I woke up in a different bed than usual at 7:30, took my girlfriend to an appointment and had breakfast at a nearby McDonald's. I have to say, though, that it was not as nice of a process as it might sound. The 7:30 wake-up call was pleasant and driving 20 miles in the morning crispness and pre-spring sunshine was nice too. It was the following event that didn't strike my fancy. McDonald's is arguably the worst possible thing a person can do to their body.

I meant that.

Try smoking a pack for a month and getting a check-up. Then try eating McDonald's for every meal for a month and getting a check-up. I promise you that the results from the McDonald's is going to be worse. I doubt it's even food. Oh, it tastes like you want to have it for every meal but wait about 10 minutes. If it's possible to watch yourself get more unhealthy it happens after a McDonald's meal.

After Celeste came out of her appointment she got in the car and I asked her how she was doing and she said "I'm not feeling very good". (She had been sick the last couple days with a stomach flu). I knew that the next 25 minutes were going to be rough. She gets motion sickness pretty bad and that's when she's not sick.

I was right. Every bump and curve in the road made me more and more nervous that she wasn't going to make it. She tried every position of lying down, sitting up, leaning forward. Eyes open, eyes closed, glasses on, glasses off. She tried hands on her forehead, hands on her neck, hands in her lap. The problem was, nothing helped. I drove ever so carefully, but not too slow, I wanted to get her home.

I say all this to say that it sucks to be sick. Not that you needed me to tell you but I was reminded today just how frail and temporary our bodies are.

Unlike most of my other posts this one has no point to it, you won't feel changed after reading it but I think i want to start writing more often and this was an opportunity to do that. Thanks for allowing me.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


...I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole faily in heaven

and earth is named,

that He would grant you,

according to the riches of His glory,

to be strengthened with might throught His Spirit in the inner man,

that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith;

that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height --

to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge;

that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-19

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Hello, Good Friend

it's been some time since I've recorded anything in this blog, this is not from lack of thought or inspiration but simply from lack of interest. I read over previous posts and became interested anew in recording special things from my reality, the Word, and others' reality as it intersects mine.
So hello, good friend...again.

Monday, December 11, 2006


That's right, LaDainian Tomlinson.

The NFL running back with more touchdowns in one season than anyone who's ever been a running back in the NFL.
He's been compared with the likes of Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, and Emmitt Smith. One of the greatest running backs ever. LT has more than 3 games in which he has rushed, caught, and thrown for a touchdown in the same game. Ask any NFL analyst who the best running back is in the NFL and they won't let you finish before they answer "LT". It's almost unfair how good he is, some would say.

After the most recent game against the Denver Broncos when his team, the San Diego Chargers won, and clenched the division which ensures them a top playoff spot, he was asked about his record.

"The hoopla is over about the record and know as much as I try to avoid it, you think about a player you want to get over whether or not its gonna happen as soon as possible."

When asked about the touchdown that broke the record he said "When we're old and can't play this game any more, those are the moments that we're going to remember and I wanted to share it with the whole offensive unit. We can share that with our children, and our grandchildren, that we made history."

The next thing I'm about to write I want every follower of Jesus to read twice.

The Chargers head coach, Marty Schottenheimer addressed the media after the game and he's seen his fair share of good players and good teams, he's a seasoned, experienced successful coach. At the end of his press meeting, someone asked him about LT and Marty said very quickly "He's the finest running back to ever wear a uniform. I believe that he is the finest running back to ever wear an NFL uniform" and he walked away from the microphone.

Then someone asked "What sets him apart?"

now catch this

Marty got a little red in the face and said with a half-smile, "well I'll tell you this...for all the skills he has a player," then Marty teared up and his voice quivered as he said behind his tears, "they pale by comparison to the person." and Marty left.

Why had LT impressed this coach so much? He has almost single-handedly led this team to the playoffs with a record-setting year. He has helped this coach live the dream of any head coach to have a serious run at the Super Bowl. He is the best player Marty has ever had on his team.

But when asked "What sets him apart?" Marty could hardly hold back his tears as he thought about the person that LaDainian Tomlinson is.


Because LT is a new man. LaDainian Tomlinson is a part of the new humanity, found in Christ. With all humility and gentleness, with all self-control and meekness, LT is the best at what he does because the Word of God says that whatever your hand finds to do, do it will all your might as unto God, not man. LT heard Jesus when He said "Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father, who is in Heaven."

I want to be like LT. A man who brings tears to people's eyes because of the manner in which I die to myself, allowing Christ to reign so that all men might see Christ exalted.

to watch these videos and the videos of some of his other team mates click the link below:

San Diego Chargers videos (they're on the right side of the screen)

Monday, December 04, 2006


Why is Christmas "the most wonderful time of the year"? Is it really the holiday greetings and gay happy meetings when friends come to call? Why is Christmas the grandest of holidays? Is it the kids jingle-belling and everyone telling you, "be of good cheer"? Or would Christmas somehow still matter more if those things weren't true?

Men who were promised something.

The entire Old Testament is the chronicles of the nation of Israel and their yearning for a savior, the Son of God. Read it. It's all about Jesus. The prophets foretold His birth. Children were told the story of the coming Lord, and that He would come to rescue them. The perfect lamb, a man without sin to rid man of their sin once and for all. He was coming...soon

"O come, O come, Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel."

Deliver us! was their cry.

It's the theme of the Old Testament. Everything hapenned in the shadow of the grand story of the promise of salvation.
They waited for generations, they longed for a king, they were slaves. Their sacrifices became wearisome, the law became a burden and the priests were tired.
Without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sin.
"How long, O Lord will you forget us forever?"
One night, one baby, one promise fulfilled

...and God was a human

So sing out with joy for the brave little boy who was God but he made himself nothing.
But he gave up his pride and he came here to die like a man.
So sing out with joy for the brave little boy who was God but he made himself nothing.
And sing out with joy for the brave little boy is our Savior!
Son of God, Son of Man.
(inspired by "Behold the Lamb of God" by Andrew Peterson)