Often when I let myself go, when I allow myself to default to the lowest common demoniator in my life, when my discipline is at its lowest in all areas of life I get afraid. I become afraid of things that I should be scared of, like the future, or a tragedy, I even become afraid of myself-that I am dangerous to my own well-being.
Here's a better example. I'm at the end of my college career finally and the last 4 and a half years are coming to a close. If this wasn't enough, I'm getting married in 3 weeks. I just realized that the last few months have been the perfect storm where lack of motivation + high stakes for failure + no other options = a vegetable of a spirit. I don't enjoy things anymore, I don't delight in the things that I once did, and my fiance has noticed this in me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, I know what that feels like that this isn't it, the fact is I'm just shutting down day by day because I'm afraid of what will happen if I really put alot of effort into all the things I need to put effort into and I end up still failing. At least if I shut down I know I'm going to fail, this gives me a little bit of stability and control and I enjoy this. Until I realize how much of a failure I am for doing it this way and then I'm back to the beginning.
So what's the next step? Where do I go from here?
I don't know.
I do know this - I'm getting married in 3 weeks and everything is about to change.
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